Me

It's been so long that i felt this miserable. You saw the word its been so long. Yes, i had that feeling 3 years back. I was 18, i had a change. I'm 21 now, perhaps another change now.

All these while, i was never sensitive-free person. As far as i could remember, i was really insecure about everything at the mere age of 10. I worried stuff that seems little to others. I see it even bigger than a size of sun, or even a universe. Some people find it annoying and i definitely know the level of annoying-ness it can be. Its so annoying that any of your friend could leave you. EVEN A CLOSE ONE.

But my insecurity doesn't come with no reason. When i was really young, i was a very mom stick child. Tho i still am, But those experiences i had around 11-13 years back was horrific. Not only i was super sensitive. I am a very dependent person. I couldn't say it out because if i do, it'll be craving a shameless hole to myself and family. I don't know, but i thought maybe there's been some close relation to who am i now. I afraid of losing someone close to me. Once i'm attached to you, you are everything to me. Friends, stuff, or whatever it may be. Recently, these insecurities resurfaced and i see myself in a bad light. Once again.

Three years back, i had a horrible year, because of my insecurity, i lost a good friend of mine and causes everyone around to be in massive headache. I was a close-to-clown person. I sometimes made people laugh, but still all these never made up what i made the people around me in pain. Slowly after, everything started to died down and then i thought, i may found another light in my life.

I don't know, sometimes when you know you are a good at nothing person who still very much OPEN YOUR HAND and take money from your parents at the age of 21, it made felt like, what am i? When you ask me, do you know instruments, "No i don't know any" I would reply. Are you good in singing? "No i don't" I would reply. Are you good in studies? "No I don't, though i score an acceptable average grade, but that wasn't enough to categorized me as a smarty" I would reply, Is there any additional things you can do but others don't? "No i don't have" I would reply.

Sometimes i'm worried, what would i be in the future. What i wanted to be? I wanted to be a Radio Host, but I can't read Chinese, nor i have great skills in English. I wanna have a Radio Host career in Korea. Yes i am learning Korean, but i catch up x10 times slower than my mates. How can i speak like an ordinary Korean in Korea?

Some people say that i am good looking, that's a plus for myself. But, what can you do with your "good looking" when you have people that's already in the "Goddess Good Looking" level? I was never tall enough for a model. I don't have a brain for doctors, the patience for a good businessman and the analytic nature of an architect, engineer, or accountant. I don't have the best social skill to people.

Maybe all these reasons made me insecure as well, i thought to myself, " I don't have anything that people will think that i am deserve to be stick to ". Because i got no talent, i don't have the gold-ess heart, i'm not the funniest guy on Earth either.

Its been a while since I've cried emotionally. I wanted to, because i knew it would made me feel better, made me feel more of a human. Sometimes, i felt like i lose myself in the process of being "who I am". I want myself back. I always tell myself that even a tree without leave can grow leaves again, not until the day that tree died, I take this quote as my life guidance. But how any longer i can use this quote to bring myself up from the hole? The hole of perfection, the hole of me wanting to be perfect.

Sometimes i'm afraid of waking up to face new challenges, but no, its a blessing to have challenges, its a blessing that you hurt your heart to tears. Because after every tears of sadness, tears of joy will come.

I hope someday i can break free myself from the insecurity shell and finally found myself. A self that would prioritize things that i should. A person that love myself before loving others. Because you can only love others when you love yourself