Insecurities

17/3/2018 1:42a.m

Its been so long since i lay my hands on the keypad and typing in this blog. Without noticing i have neglected this little space of mine where i used reveal all my feelings to. As i grow up, i always thought life can be more fruitful and better. Truth is, growing up is a tough path.

My question is, have you ever used to compare yourself to others? Or worrying that you are unable to live up to people's expectation. I'm sure everyone did.

I don't know about others, but i have always been the person that self critic or take critic hardly. Many times these causes me anxiety and couldn't sleep well because my brain will always think about. My sinus back then did not make the situation better. However, as hurt as i am in hearing critics, i am happy that i get it because that just means that, people think that i have the potential to be better and has yet to give it up on me. In Chinese there is a idioms that reads"things that are bitter in your mouth is the better medicine". Correct me if i'm wrong, i'm not Chinese literate :P. Yeah, i always like honest opinion rather than sugar coating, trying to make me feel better but might may my growth stunted.

I am in this dance team, where i have never though that one day, i will be a part of a dance team. Not something like Kinjaz or JustJerk, but a team that is strong enough that make yourself to think that, i'm in some serious thang.

I have always known, that among my members, i am not the outstanding one, nor in looks, skills or talent. I'm kinda surfing in the middle, maybe a shy line being the weaker ones. Many times when i felt like " Hey, i don't think i can cope this" "Why can't i be as good as the other members" "Why am i not as talented as some of them", i really want to quit. Cause it made feel like, i am not loving myself more and more and day by day because always i am letting myself down.

However, one thing for sure, which is what makes me keep on going, are comments from people telling me. " Hey, you've improved". To be honest, improving doesn't mean that, i am near as good as my peers, but just simply a message telling me that my effort has been seen. As painful as it is to listen to critics telling me i am lacking in certain department, these painful critics are what could possibly in exchange of a "Hey, you've improved".

I don't know how much i have improved since the day i "officially" started dancing. I know my growth can be slow, compare to many people. But i think, i should not ask why am i not as good as others because, comparing with others will only hurt yourself and growth more. I should tell myself, i will be better than how i am today. even just 0.0001% better than who am i yesterday. That is what i should strive for. Not just dancing but in many departments of life. Cause in the end, "Hey, you've improved" is what i want exchange of. Not people telling me, YOU ARE AS GOOD AS XXXX.

Before anyone thinks that this post is directed to anyone or was caused by anything. No, not at all. No one. I have always wanted to write my feelings out because that's what i always did as a young teenager back then. I just hope this can always be my motivation, to strive for a better me.

As long i did my part, being the sincere person i am to myself and to people. I believe that one day, even its gonna take long as long as i am doing my best wholeheartedly in improving myself, people will see it because when people see your sincerity, that person is a also a sincere person. A little bit out of topic yea i know. But yes! Just a message i want to send out for myself.

I'm not a noble person nor i am perfect. I just hope that i can slowly puzzle up the missing parts in me, so that the imperfect me can slowly be the less-imperfect version of me. Why i say less-imperfect? Because no one is perfect in the world.

I can't believe i am typing this while doing clay mask but i guess the weirdest or the best expression comes out at the weirdest moment!

So if anyone is facing the same thing as me, let's work hard together!

Till then, for a better me.