First World Unnecessary Problem

Two years had passed, I am back here again, my little space for me to express things I am unable to say it directly to anyone except for myself, through words inside a blog. Many years ago, blogging is a platform for me to share my everyday life, things that I am happy with to everyone, not selectively because since it's a blog, everyone will see it. However, as years passed, its funny how blogging actually became a place for me to express my feelings, especially when I am feeling sad, conflicted and unsure of many things, perhaps what I am even feeling now while typing this.

Have you ever experienced, you wanted to express something but not wanting people to know what you are feeling inside. Weirdly, another part of you wanted to let people see what you wanted to express. Many of these times, I tend to voice it out on social medias such as Instagram or Facebook or now even on my blog. Do we really just want everyone to see it? No, actually inside our mind, we are unaware that we have actually selected the person you wanted to express the feelings to, but, why not just directly? Is it because we have a certain feelings for this particular person, or we just do don't know to let this person know. To be frank, I'm not even sure what I am typing now, but I think these are the feelings I wanted to let it out for a long time, but i am just unable to, that's why the words are a mess and unclear, perhaps only people who are facing this same dilemma as me will understand.

As Malaysians who may be reading this, we've been in MCO or CMCO due to the pandemic, we aren't allowed to travel anywhere as we used to, we've spent much more time at home. For me, this period enabled me to think of stuff that I normally won't be able to think about, do things I am unable to do usually, taking a breaks that I never thought I would be able to take and watching things I usually normally won't be able to watch during normal days.To be honest, despite being at home most of the time, was I able to properly take a rest? Perhaps my body, but my thoughts has been running wilder than the usual times I am able to roam around freely.

To those of you who are following Instagram, few days back I have posted about how I've never felt like I've truly had feeling for anyone. Maybe to the extent of like, but not love.

Yes, this is actually something that kinda puts me off. Many times I see friends of mine falling in love or having heartbreak because of a relationship, despite them crying and saying how regret they had started a relationship, or even one sided love. I am actually very jealous of the feelings they have, despite its being hatred, love or one-side love.

Hatred? You only have hatred towards your boyfriend or girlfriend only because you have had loved him/her

Love? - Needless to say, you will only be together because you love him/her

One-sided? - Despite the feeling being annoying and keeps you wondering, I think its amazing that you could have hopes to every new day, hoping one day that person will understand your feelings toward him/her.

Yes, even hatred, I wish I could feel it because it means I've loved that person, just the thought of loving somebody is so hard for me. I don't remember the last time I've ever LOVED a person.

I don't mind being hurt, rejected or being one-sided, I just want to LOVE a person but its just so difficult for me. I am worrying will I ever be able to love someone again, in a romantic way. Throughout the years, there were people that I've tried to develop feelings for, but I don't know, I don't know why it just never happened and it frustrates me.

Maybe some people will think that, how terrible is this "problem" to have made me felt this way. I don't know, perhaps I am at the age where my friends are starting to be in relationship, getting married or even being parent, but I am here, not knowing if I could ever love anyone.

It frustrates me thinking is there any problem with me, I don't know but it actually really bothers me. I miss the feeling of missing somebody, waking up everyday hoping to meet this person or having the thoughts of one day, this person will like me back.

But as far as i know, it's not going happen anytime soon. Perhaps never.

Also, growing up is something thats really going very real on me. I am worried, lost and unsure. 10 years ago, I would have much better expectation on myself at my age, but no, I have nothing. I don't excel in anything I am doing now, and now I can't even learn how to love.

I'm not worried being single, but I am worried that why as a human, a young adult and yet the simplest thing a person can do is to love but I can't, at least when I don't have anything I still have love. Weirdly I just have nothing at all.

When will this crazy thoughts of learning how to love people will end? Or when can my achievements in life overshadow the feeling of me needing to love someone?

I need an answer, when will I be able to get one.