Two years had passed, I am back here again, my little space for me to express things I am unable to say it directly to anyone except for myself, through words inside a blog. Many years ago, blogging is a platform for me to share my everyday life, things that I am happy with to everyone, not selectively because since it's a blog, everyone will see it. However, as years passed, its funny how blogging actually became a place for me to express my feelings, especially when I am feeling sad, conflicted and unsure of many things, perhaps what I am even feeling now while typing this.
Have you ever experienced, you wanted to express something but not wanting people to know what you are feeling inside. Weirdly, another part of you wanted to let people see what you wanted to express. Many of these times, I tend to voice it out on social medias such as Instagram or Facebook or now even on my blog. Do we really just want everyone to see it? No, actually inside our mind, we are unaware that we have actually selected the person you wanted to express the feelings to, but, why not just directly? Is it because we have a certain feelings for this particular person, or we just do don't know to let this person know. To be frank, I'm not even sure what I am typing now, but I think these are the feelings I wanted to let it out for a long time, but i am just unable to, that's why the words are a mess and unclear, perhaps only people who are facing this same dilemma as me will understand.
As Malaysians who may be reading this, we've been in MCO or CMCO due to the pandemic, we aren't allowed to travel anywhere as we used to, we've spent much more time at home. For me, this period enabled me to think of stuff that I normally won't be able to think about, do things I am unable to do usually, taking a breaks that I never thought I would be able to take and watching things I usually normally won't be able to watch during normal days.To be honest, despite being at home most of the time, was I able to properly take a rest? Perhaps my body, but my thoughts has been running wilder than the usual times I am able to roam around freely.
To those of you who are following Instagram, few days back I have posted about how I've never felt like I've truly had feeling for anyone. Maybe to the extent of like, but not love.
Yes, this is actually something that kinda puts me off. Many times I see friends of mine falling in love or having heartbreak because of a relationship, despite them crying and saying how regret they had started a relationship, or even one sided love. I am actually very jealous of the feelings they have, despite its being hatred, love or one-side love.
Hatred? You only have hatred towards your boyfriend or girlfriend only because you have had loved him/her
Love? - Needless to say, you will only be together because you love him/her
One-sided? - Despite the feeling being annoying and keeps you wondering, I think its amazing that you could have hopes to every new day, hoping one day that person will understand your feelings toward him/her.
Yes, even hatred, I wish I could feel it because it means I've loved that person, just the thought of loving somebody is so hard for me. I don't remember the last time I've ever LOVED a person.
I don't mind being hurt, rejected or being one-sided, I just want to LOVE a person but its just so difficult for me. I am worrying will I ever be able to love someone again, in a romantic way. Throughout the years, there were people that I've tried to develop feelings for, but I don't know, I don't know why it just never happened and it frustrates me.
Maybe some people will think that, how terrible is this "problem" to have made me felt this way. I don't know, perhaps I am at the age where my friends are starting to be in relationship, getting married or even being parent, but I am here, not knowing if I could ever love anyone.
It frustrates me thinking is there any problem with me, I don't know but it actually really bothers me. I miss the feeling of missing somebody, waking up everyday hoping to meet this person or having the thoughts of one day, this person will like me back.
But as far as i know, it's not going happen anytime soon. Perhaps never.
Also, growing up is something thats really going very real on me. I am worried, lost and unsure. 10 years ago, I would have much better expectation on myself at my age, but no, I have nothing. I don't excel in anything I am doing now, and now I can't even learn how to love.
I'm not worried being single, but I am worried that why as a human, a young adult and yet the simplest thing a person can do is to love but I can't, at least when I don't have anything I still have love. Weirdly I just have nothing at all.
When will this crazy thoughts of learning how to love people will end? Or when can my achievements in life overshadow the feeling of me needing to love someone?
I need an answer, when will I be able to get one.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Friday, March 16, 2018
Insecurities
17/3/2018 1:42a.m
Its been so long since i lay my hands on the keypad and typing in this blog. Without noticing i have neglected this little space of mine where i used reveal all my feelings to. As i grow up, i always thought life can be more fruitful and better. Truth is, growing up is a tough path.
My question is, have you ever used to compare yourself to others? Or worrying that you are unable to live up to people's expectation. I'm sure everyone did.
I don't know about others, but i have always been the person that self critic or take critic hardly. Many times these causes me anxiety and couldn't sleep well because my brain will always think about. My sinus back then did not make the situation better. However, as hurt as i am in hearing critics, i am happy that i get it because that just means that, people think that i have the potential to be better and has yet to give it up on me. In Chinese there is a idioms that reads"things that are bitter in your mouth is the better medicine". Correct me if i'm wrong, i'm not Chinese literate :P. Yeah, i always like honest opinion rather than sugar coating, trying to make me feel better but might may my growth stunted.
I am in this dance team, where i have never though that one day, i will be a part of a dance team. Not something like Kinjaz or JustJerk, but a team that is strong enough that make yourself to think that, i'm in some serious thang.
I have always known, that among my members, i am not the outstanding one, nor in looks, skills or talent. I'm kinda surfing in the middle, maybe a shy line being the weaker ones. Many times when i felt like " Hey, i don't think i can cope this" "Why can't i be as good as the other members" "Why am i not as talented as some of them", i really want to quit. Cause it made feel like, i am not loving myself more and more and day by day because always i am letting myself down.
However, one thing for sure, which is what makes me keep on going, are comments from people telling me. " Hey, you've improved". To be honest, improving doesn't mean that, i am near as good as my peers, but just simply a message telling me that my effort has been seen. As painful as it is to listen to critics telling me i am lacking in certain department, these painful critics are what could possibly in exchange of a "Hey, you've improved".
I don't know how much i have improved since the day i "officially" started dancing. I know my growth can be slow, compare to many people. But i think, i should not ask why am i not as good as others because, comparing with others will only hurt yourself and growth more. I should tell myself, i will be better than how i am today. even just 0.0001% better than who am i yesterday. That is what i should strive for. Not just dancing but in many departments of life. Cause in the end, "Hey, you've improved" is what i want exchange of. Not people telling me, YOU ARE AS GOOD AS XXXX.
Before anyone thinks that this post is directed to anyone or was caused by anything. No, not at all. No one. I have always wanted to write my feelings out because that's what i always did as a young teenager back then. I just hope this can always be my motivation, to strive for a better me.
As long i did my part, being the sincere person i am to myself and to people. I believe that one day, even its gonna take long as long as i am doing my best wholeheartedly in improving myself, people will see it because when people see your sincerity, that person is a also a sincere person. A little bit out of topic yea i know. But yes! Just a message i want to send out for myself.
I'm not a noble person nor i am perfect. I just hope that i can slowly puzzle up the missing parts in me, so that the imperfect me can slowly be the less-imperfect version of me. Why i say less-imperfect? Because no one is perfect in the world.
I can't believe i am typing this while doing clay mask but i guess the weirdest or the best expression comes out at the weirdest moment!
So if anyone is facing the same thing as me, let's work hard together!
Till then, for a better me.
Its been so long since i lay my hands on the keypad and typing in this blog. Without noticing i have neglected this little space of mine where i used reveal all my feelings to. As i grow up, i always thought life can be more fruitful and better. Truth is, growing up is a tough path.
My question is, have you ever used to compare yourself to others? Or worrying that you are unable to live up to people's expectation. I'm sure everyone did.
I don't know about others, but i have always been the person that self critic or take critic hardly. Many times these causes me anxiety and couldn't sleep well because my brain will always think about. My sinus back then did not make the situation better. However, as hurt as i am in hearing critics, i am happy that i get it because that just means that, people think that i have the potential to be better and has yet to give it up on me. In Chinese there is a idioms that reads"things that are bitter in your mouth is the better medicine". Correct me if i'm wrong, i'm not Chinese literate :P. Yeah, i always like honest opinion rather than sugar coating, trying to make me feel better but might may my growth stunted.
I am in this dance team, where i have never though that one day, i will be a part of a dance team. Not something like Kinjaz or JustJerk, but a team that is strong enough that make yourself to think that, i'm in some serious thang.
I have always known, that among my members, i am not the outstanding one, nor in looks, skills or talent. I'm kinda surfing in the middle, maybe a shy line being the weaker ones. Many times when i felt like " Hey, i don't think i can cope this" "Why can't i be as good as the other members" "Why am i not as talented as some of them", i really want to quit. Cause it made feel like, i am not loving myself more and more and day by day because always i am letting myself down.
However, one thing for sure, which is what makes me keep on going, are comments from people telling me. " Hey, you've improved". To be honest, improving doesn't mean that, i am near as good as my peers, but just simply a message telling me that my effort has been seen. As painful as it is to listen to critics telling me i am lacking in certain department, these painful critics are what could possibly in exchange of a "Hey, you've improved".
I don't know how much i have improved since the day i "officially" started dancing. I know my growth can be slow, compare to many people. But i think, i should not ask why am i not as good as others because, comparing with others will only hurt yourself and growth more. I should tell myself, i will be better than how i am today. even just 0.0001% better than who am i yesterday. That is what i should strive for. Not just dancing but in many departments of life. Cause in the end, "Hey, you've improved" is what i want exchange of. Not people telling me, YOU ARE AS GOOD AS XXXX.
Before anyone thinks that this post is directed to anyone or was caused by anything. No, not at all. No one. I have always wanted to write my feelings out because that's what i always did as a young teenager back then. I just hope this can always be my motivation, to strive for a better me.
As long i did my part, being the sincere person i am to myself and to people. I believe that one day, even its gonna take long as long as i am doing my best wholeheartedly in improving myself, people will see it because when people see your sincerity, that person is a also a sincere person. A little bit out of topic yea i know. But yes! Just a message i want to send out for myself.
I'm not a noble person nor i am perfect. I just hope that i can slowly puzzle up the missing parts in me, so that the imperfect me can slowly be the less-imperfect version of me. Why i say less-imperfect? Because no one is perfect in the world.
I can't believe i am typing this while doing clay mask but i guess the weirdest or the best expression comes out at the weirdest moment!
So if anyone is facing the same thing as me, let's work hard together!
Till then, for a better me.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Language School Life : Thank you for everything
I am supposed to be doing some very important documents for my university tomorrow but due to my laptop not having a Korean Microsoft Word so everything got stuck. Honestly speaking, ever since my parents left for Malaysia my life hadn't been going smoothly since then. I got so moody that I actually stayed in my living area and not going to anywhere. Only meeting 1 or 2 course mates and that's it. As i couldn't do anything about it. Once again, i was feeling kinda "emotionally gratitude" that I finally came to what i strive to here since the beginning. University. I'll be officially a Korea University student from tomorrow on wards (today, It's 12 a.m in Korea while I'm typing this). Honestly it didn't got me hook up as I thought I would be before coming here. But after all I tell myself that it's time for me to grow up and do what I should do.
Anyway this post was supposed to be a happy one cause I've completed the 20 weeks of language school journey. It had been up and down during that period. Tho there are sad happenings that happened too but I always believed things happens for a reason and what will happen should happen. Throughout the journey I've had known really amazing people. I am grateful to everyone one of them even tho there might be unpleasant one. I'm also deeply sorry that maybe there are times I didn't get to appreciate and enjoy with some people that's treated me so well and good. Some of them had left for their own country to start another life. Honestly I'm really sad and who loves saying goodbyes. No one loves it I'm sure. But I believe we will for sure will be able to meet again one day.
Just feel like sharing some photos throughout the language school journey here. Its gonna be full of pictures ( just simply grab photos from the album )
Anyway this post was supposed to be a happy one cause I've completed the 20 weeks of language school journey. It had been up and down during that period. Tho there are sad happenings that happened too but I always believed things happens for a reason and what will happen should happen. Throughout the journey I've had known really amazing people. I am grateful to everyone one of them even tho there might be unpleasant one. I'm also deeply sorry that maybe there are times I didn't get to appreciate and enjoy with some people that's treated me so well and good. Some of them had left for their own country to start another life. Honestly I'm really sad and who loves saying goodbyes. No one loves it I'm sure. But I believe we will for sure will be able to meet again one day.
Just feel like sharing some photos throughout the language school journey here. Its gonna be full of pictures ( just simply grab photos from the album )
Thanks for all the memories guys (trynna' be emotional ya'll) in fact I am. If you ask me now, I am still afraid, But what can I do now? I can only go forward. I don't know what will come but i'mma face it bravely.
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